The Boat Trip

SFX : THE IDYLLIC SOUNDS OF NATURE, A GENTLE RIVER’S WASH ON ALL SIDES, BIRDSONG TO THE LEFT, THE CASTING OF A FISHING ROD TO THE RIGHT, THE CREAKING OF AN OLD BOAT BELOW, etc
MV1 : This is the life, eh? No work, no wife, no kids … just good beer, a good braii and hopefully some good fishing.
MV2 : Uh-huh (thinks : If only I didn’t need to pee every ten minutes he’d be right…)
–awkward silence –
MV1 : You okay? Haven’t said much all morning …
MV2 : I need to take a leak …
MV1 : Again? Sheesh you’re gonna scare off the fish with your waterfall – LAUGHS
VOP : SO … YOU THINK THIS IS A LAUGHING MATTER, DO YOU ? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I CAME AND VISITED YOU ? YOU SIT THERE ALL SMUG LIKE THE CAT THAT GOT THE CREAM … WHEN IN REALITY I COULD MAKE YOU SCREAM AND BEG FOR MERCY !
SFX : WATER POURING INTO WATER CENTRAL, AS THE SECOND MAN URINATES OVER THE SIDE, BURNING SOUNDS ALL THE WHILE, RAGING AROUND, LEFT TO RIGHT AND BACK AGAIN, A SCREAMING MAN MOVING IN CLOSE ON ONE EAR, THEN THE OTHER
MV2 : You don’t know what it’s like. Lately it’s been happening more often … I just can’t relax anymore knowing I’ll need to go again almost as soon as I’ve been. It’s affecting everything : I can’t think straight, can’t sleep, can’t even have a cup of coffee without thinking about what’s gonna happen … I’m even taking it out on the wife and kids … that’s why I wanted to get away in the first place …
SFX : THUNDER AND LIGHTNING, FOLLOWED BY A THROBBING DRIP-DRIP-DRIPPING LIKE CHINESE WATER TORTURE ON ALL SIDES, LEFT RIGHT AND BEHIND, LIKE INSIDE A VERY SMALL DUNGEON
VOP : THAT’S RIGHT … YOU TELL HIM … PAINT A GRUESOME PICTURE OF JUST HOW MUCH AGONY YOU’RE IN RIGHT NOW … TODAY AND EVERY DAY … DESCRIBE THE HORRIFYING, DEBILITATING EFFECTS OF CHRONIC PELVIC PAIN SYNDROME – EVIL CACKLING LAUGHTER 
MV1 : Woah .. I had no idea. Have you been to the doc?
MV2 : No, I’ve been too busy (thinks : And it’s too embarrassing …)
SFX : ZIP FLY BEING DONE UP, THE FISHING ROD BEING LAID DOWN AND TWO BEER BOTTLES BEING OPENED ON THE RIGHT
MV1 : Here .. this’ll take your mind off it
MV2 : NO! Not for me … it’ll only make it worse
VOP : WORSE … MUCH, MUCH WORSE … BUT THEN, YOU HAVE A WHOLE LIFETIME TO LOOK FORWARD TO WITH ME – LAUGHS
MV1 : Well, it’s gotta be bad if you’re turning down a beer now …
SFX : THRASHING SOUND OF A BIG FISH CAUGHT ON THE LINE ON THE RIGHT
MV1: Hey, I’ve got a bite!
SFX : LINE BEING REELED IN, NET BEING PREPARED AGAIN ON THE RIGHT
MV1 : Awww … he’s a beauty … look at that! Well, that’s supper sorted anyway …
MV2 : Great .. just great ..

–fade-out— pause – fade-in —

SFX : SIZZLING SOUNDS FROM THE GRIDDLE BEHIND
MV1 : You want some chilli sauce on yours? How about a beer now, eh? Come on, one with the fish won’t hurt you …
SFX : SIZZLING GETS MUCH, MUCH LOUDER, INITIALLY BEHIND BUT THEN MOVING ALL AROUND BUILDING TO A CRESCENDO LIKE A BRANDING IRON ON FLESH, LEFT AND RIGHT AND BEHIND
VOP (sinister whisper) : Yesssss….
SFX : MORE SIZZLING
VOP : … one beer won’t hurt you, will it? And some HOT chilli sauce .. oh, yessss … you LOVE it when it’s good and HOT – LAUGHS
SFX : SIZZLING BUILDS TO A FINALE, ENDING IN HELLISH SCREAMING AND WAILING
VOP : It’s a good job nobody’s told them about Q-Urol yet … I’d hate this trip to end just as I’m starting to enjoy myself …
SFX : A FINAL, QUICK AND INTENSE SIZZLE FRONT AND CENTRE