The Bachelor Pad
Setting: Real estate agent showing MV round a potential new property 

SFX : KEYS ENTERING A LOCK, DOOR CREAKING OPEN, DULL SOUNDS OF A DRIPPING TAP ON ONE SIDE AND ROCK DRUMMING ON THE OTHER, PLUS A MOSQUITO BUZZING ALL AROUND, FRONT/BACK/LEFT/RIGHT
Female voice of a Real Estate Agent (FREA) :So, here we are then – as you can see it’s nice and cosy and ideal as your first property
Male Voice (MV): It’s a box …
FREA : I like to think of it as compact and bijou …
SFX : MOSQUITO BUZZING INCREASES, TIGHT AROUND THE HEAD NOW, ACCOMPANIED BY THE VAIN SOUND OF MV TRYING TO SWAT THE DAMN THING
MV :Darned mozzie! And what’s that thumping noise?
SFX : ROCK DRUMMING ON ONE SIDE GROWS IN INTENSITY, A CRASH OF CYMBALS, A LONG ROLL AND SOLO, BASS DRUM INCREASING ALL THE WHILE
FREA :Don’t you like music? The guy next door’s the drummer in a band –they usually all come over to rehearse .. they’re really very good. I’m sure you’d like —
SFX (abrupt) : TAP DRIPPING GETS REALLY LOUD
MV :And what’s the deal with the kitchen? Did this place used to be a prison cell or something? It sounds like a torture chamber!
FREA (flirtatiously) : I do love a man with a sense of humour …
MV :Where’s the bathroom? Oh, right here .. I can follow my nose
SFX : MOZZY GOING CRAZY NOW, DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING BEHIND HIM – REALLY CONFINED SPACE, MOZZY SO INTENSELY BUZZING ROUND HIS HEAD NOW, F/B/L/R
MV :Come on, come on!
SFX : FUMBLING FOR THE ZIP FLY, FINALLY UNDOES IT … AND NOTHING
MV :Do I really need to go? Can’t I just hold on till I get out of this .. this …
Voice Of Pain (VOP) :HELL-HOLE? IS THAT THE WORD YOU’RE LOOKING FOR? I THINK IT IS … YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO GO, SO JUST DO IT … JUST RELAX AND LET YOUR BODY TAKE OVER … YOU MUST GO … YOU WANT TO GO …
SFX : TAP DRIPPING WILDLY CLOSE ON ONE SIDE
VOP : IT’S LIKE TORTURE, ISN’T IT? THE AGONY OF CHRONIC PELVIC PAIN SYNDROME REARS IT’S UGLY HEAD AGAIN .. YOU CAN NEVER ESCAPE .. IT’S PART OF YOU NOW … LIKE YOUR HEARTBEAT
SFX : DRUMMING, NOW IN TIME WITH MV’S HEART, THE TWO OVERLAPPING, THE HEART CENTRAL, THE DRUMMING ON ONE SIDE, WHILE THE TAP SYNCS IN ON THE OTHER SIDE, THE THREE SOUNDS BUILDING IN RHYTHMIC INTENSITY
VOP : I THINK YOU SHOULD MOVE IN … IT’S LOVELY … JUST WHAT YOU WANT .. A PLACE YOU CAN FINALLY CALL HOME –LAUGHS
SFX : THREE SOUNDS SUBSIDE SLIGHTLY, ZIP CLOSING, DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING ABRUPTLY, FURNITURE BEING KNOCKED INTO
FREA :Oops, sorry .. I didn’t mean to get so close – giggles – you could have some real fun in here, a man like you. Do you want to make me an offer? On the apartment, I mean? – giggles
MV :No … I just want to get out of here .. I can’t live here .. I need more space.
SFX : CONTINUING TRIPLE ATTACK ALL AROUND
MV : It’s just too small
VOP :BUT YOU KNOW IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW MUCH ROOM YOU HAVE, YOU’LL ALWAYS FEEL TRAPPED … LIKE A PRISONER IN YOUR OWN HOME … YOU’LL NEVER ESCAPE .. NOT WHILE YOU SUFFER FROM CPPS …
SFX : ALL THREE SOUNDS AS BEFORE, GROWING IN INTENSITY AGAIN … BEFORE A DOOR SLAMS SUDDENLY – THEN SILENCE