A TV station in Israel has this week announced that it’s to launch a new channel called Dog TV.

“Brilliant ! I love dogs !”
or …
“What the ..?”
may be the first thought that pops into your head, depending on if you’re a cat person or not.

But hold on a sec … paws for thought a moment, for this is not a station about our canine friends, but rather for them. That’s right: a television channel for dogs to actually watch. Well, I say watch … I mean, you leave it on when for them when you go out so they have something friendly on in the background and so you don’t feel so guilty for not taking them with you.

Each program is no longer than 6 minutes (presumably the memory of a dog is slightly longer than that of a goldfish, then ?) and they have been “scientifically designed to keep dogs stimulated, happy and comforted when they’re left alone”.
First trialed in San Diego and now available across California (what a surprise!), the CEO of the Dog TV company, Gilad Neumann, said it “creates a companionship environment” and is also fully puppy-friendly. Co-founder of the channel, Ron Levi, says he actually first thought of the idea came from his cat. Not directly, of course, but he explains “”I just felt guilty leaving him by himself every day for so many hours and I thought I need to do something. As the TV set was already there, I thought why not use it to entertain cats or dogs?”

Yeah, right … Cat TV.
Like a cat would sit still long enough to watch anything.
A dog would sit gawping for hours till it was told otherwise. Maybe it could be distracted by a stick flying across the room, but a cat ? Purr-lease !
A cat would listen to the radio. A cat would tune into a jazz station.
A cat would amuse itself all day long without a problem. A cat would amuse itself just by watching a dog sitting in front of a television set.
If it wasn’t switched, on the cat would find it even funnier.

It did get me thinking about what kind of shows they’d run, though … so I came up with a list:

– Kennel Break
Two dogs from the same litter: one on the inside wrongly accused of chewing up a favourite teddy bear; the other hell-bent on getting him out. It all goes horribly wrong after getting the schematics of the kennels tattooed on to its body, the brother on the outside burrows in, only for his fur to grow back overnight …

– Breaking Bad
Informed he has terminal fleas, an underachieving feline genius turned back alley wise-cat uses his expertise to provide for his family by producing the world’s strongest catnip …

– Bones
A forensic anthropologist and a cocky FBI agent build a team to investigate death causes. And quite often, there isn’t more to examine than rotten flesh or mere bones. But their pets are happy as they’re both huge dog lovers …

– K9
The adventures of a time-travelling robot dog from the future and his faithful human sidekick, the Doctor, who always has a goodly supply of treats and snacks in his massive overcoat …

– The Wire
Baltimore dog scene, viewed through the eyes of dog dealers and law enforcers from the Pound. Every garden must have a perimeter of wire fence or the owners face prosecution  and the dogs have a chance to escape …

– Nip and Tuck
Drama set in a pet grooming salon in San Francisco. When the staff start growing plants in the garden and dealing in more than just shampoos and blow-dries, it’s clear that there’s more to the salon than meets the eye …

– Tom and Jerry
Married to Barbara and Margo, this show is actually all about self-sufficiency in a suburban street and actually only ever features a pig, a couple of goats and some chickens …

– Tinker, Tailor, Spaniel, Cat
Alec Ginger won a Bafta for his portrayal of George Whiskas ­in this John Le Catty adaptation.

– Catch Of The Day
Canine frisbee highlights show featuring all the best from the weekend’s action

– Mewsnight
Feline current affairs magazine, looking at the stories behind the miaows in the mews